hotel room ftw
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
