I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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