don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
