dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Randomize
