Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
