That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
