my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
