apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
