Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
