he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
