If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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