i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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