the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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