I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
