Kiss
Puke
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
