hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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