Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
