He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
