I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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