No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
