I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
