I didn't shave. On purpose
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
