god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
