that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
