I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just threw up on my dentist
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
