It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You ate ashes out of my bong
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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