I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
