i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
