I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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