Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
