this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
