just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
