i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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