So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
