obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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