Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
