its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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