woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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