Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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