I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Welp...herpes.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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