so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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