I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
