They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
