I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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