If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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