your parents love me but you hate me
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
