Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
