Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
