Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
