I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
