Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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